Weight has all along been one of the most common issues around girls and this topic has been bothering me for the longest time ever.

We have certain ideas of how a perfect body should look like and how our weight should be on a weighing scale. And it's so damn hard to not conform to societal norms where skinny is the way to go and it's been increasingly common where most people don't realise they do have problems like anorexia until they have long passed the stage.

I was once anorexic but when I was all skinny and bony, I never once thought that I might be anorexic. However, after gaining all the weight that I've lost (which is approximately 20% of my weight when I was at my skinniest), I reflected on how I have been eating and my previous lifestyle, I can't help but think that I was mad. For about 1.5 years in my life, I had carbs (bread/noodles/rice) only once in every two days and I never ever finish my food. I would always have a few bites and I'll be like, I'm full. I hit the gym thrice a week and I would only leave the gym after being on the treadmill for more than an hour or sometimes close to two. I was so caught up with the idea of being skinny that I lost myself.

I did not restrict myself to solely steamed or baked food and I still indulge in fried food, chips, ice creams and buffets but I always have the motivation to stop myself from snacking or eating in large amounts. After coming to the UK, I find myself binging on chips, chocolates and ice creams which I find it difficult to curb or stop. On average, I eat about 2 large bags of chips, 1 large bar of chocolate, 1 whole loaf of bread and a tub of ice-cream per week apart from my daily meals. And not forgetting, I finish a box of cereal within two to three week's time. And at this point in time, you'll probably think that I deserve to gain back whatever weight that I've lost as I'm the one who ate all the junk.

6 months before I came to the UK, I actually experienced health issues due to my 'unhealthy' diet (low carb and little food intake). I was working at H&M and I almost fainted multiple times. I did not eat enough and there were days that I started to feel giddy with my hands turning cold and I started to break into cold sweat where I black out for a while due to the lack of energy. And that was sort of the turning point where I started to eat more than I did for the past 1 year. And during the first month here in the UK, I went back to my previous diet of eating extremely little and bam, the dizzy spells and blackout came back. It was scary to experience it and I told myself that I need to start eating well & more.

And so, I started to lift all the restrictions I had for myself. I lessen the amount of time that I spend at the gym and I spent most of my time being a couch potato. Before I know it, I gained about 8kg within a 2 months period. I was shocked and on top of that, I felt disgusted with myself. I thought that it was probably not that obvious but when I went back to Singapore for the first time, my uncle exclaimed that I gained weight on his first instance in seeing me. It was disappointing and I felt less than who I truly am. I wasn't disappointed with him. I was just disappointed with myself.

I did try to eat healthier by stocking up on yoghurts and fruits but I still have the tendency to binge on them and as you know, fruits are high in sugar, hence, all the excess sugar will be stored as fats at areas such as arms, thighs and tummy. And up to now, my weight have not gone down. It's depressing and upsetting to see what I'm seeing in the mirror. You can say that I should probably go to the gym and stop eating, but truth is, I've been going to the gym twice or thrice a week for an hour for each session but it's not working. I tried cutting down my diet but every time I skip a meal or cut down my intake, I find myself reaching out for snacks (fruits/yoghurts) and snacks.

People often say that I look the same but hell no. The weighing scale and what I'm seeing in the mirror does not lie. I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin and unconfident about myself. It's just so hard and nothing helps. I should probably just end this emotional vomit abruptly here and gain some willpower elsewhere. Toodles.