It's been a really, long and tiring month. And I asked myself, why? I can't seem to find any answer to that. All I can seem to grasp is I'm tired of trying, tired of fixing myself in situations like this and hoping for a change.

Someone once told me, if I only focus on the black dot on the paper, presuming that the paper is white with only a black dot, I'll lose focus on the big picture. It made sense to me. It made sense that I should take a step back and look at the big picture. I made changes, concessions and compromises, in hope that things will get better but did it?

Having grown up in an environment where I'm alone most of the time, I think I grew up with a mentality that I should always shower people with love even when they least deserve to and when there's anything that go wrong, I should be the first to apologise. I don't apologise because I'm at fault, I apologised because I don't want to continue a fight. I don't want to put up some act and play hard to get. I don't like playing games and I don't like beating around the bush.

After forgoing myself, what I am left with? I don't even remember being happy for the longest time ever. Each and every night, I reasoned to myself, fix myself and tell myself that things will get better. Because tough times don't last but tough people do. However, do I really live with that in mind?

It's been a long struggle and, I should stop chasing.