Been having a number of thoughts about life, relationship and myself for the past few weeks. But I wouldn't say I am feeling sad, empty or lonely right now in time. I mean I was sad, I had my fair share of stained pillows, sleepless nights and not very sober nights where tears just can't seem to stop. I felt helpless in fact as I was over reliant on someone else that I don't know where to start to pick myself up. Maybe it's just human nature? We attach ourselves to someone and when the other party starts to detach themselves from us, we'll try even harder to grab onto them in fear of losing them.

It's been almost 3 weeks and looking back, I do feel that I've grown. I learned that no matter how hard you plead, restrict or act in the person's favour, if that person ain't gonna budge, they just won't. And regardless of who you are or your efforts, if a person is unwilling to be kept, you can't make the person stay.

I think that I'm so tired of a relationship that I just gave up on the thought of dating someone. Probably, I'm just protecting myself from preventing to go through all the mental torment that I felt. But at this age, it just scares me how sleeping around is so common because of the thrill of it or how physical attraction might fill emotional gaps. I've seen enough to know how easy cheating could be and how one night stands can happen. I just lose faith in love.

I was a hopeless romantic where I wore my heart on my sleeve. I stayed grounded and true to myself which made me vulnerable to others. But I realised that at this point in time, I don't need someone to fill in the gaps that I have when he left. I don't need a guy right now to sweep me off my feet and stitch me back into pieces. I don't appreciate the thought of finding a guy who needs me as a companion because that's not what I am interested in. And lastly, I don't think I'm ready to be dating.

People often say when you're single, you should be ready to mingle to meet someone. But I beg to differ. I don't want to meet someone and have false illusions of love. It's always exciting to meet someone who's interested in you and exchange text that might lead to a dinner, dating and eventually a couple. But what's the point in being falsely in love?

None, because it just burns out your time and money even faster than a lighted cigarette. And on certain occasions, you lose weight faster than how your annual gym sessions does it for you. You will then have to pick yourself up like as though your trying to pick up a bunch of needles when you accidentally dropped it on the floor. You'll struggle and you'll feel pain from those pricks that you came across. Last but not least, you've to fix yourself into a whole. And I guess I'm just too tired to play the game for two right now.